I can call people out until the cows come home but I get indirectly called out by a YouTube video – BAM triggered.
What it made me realize is that I have a huge issue with wanting to be liked. I fear rejection deeply and personally. Every time I think I have bested this fear, it comes back like a boomerang to hit me square in the face. And guess what? It hurts just the same.
Bottom line is, lately, I have been afraid of being rejected on multiple levels.
Mel Brand and his twin flame Nicole are on YouTube under Goldray Twin Flames. I highly recommend them if you want an extensive crash course in self-healing. I get to a point sometimes where I want to switch off of the video because I am so triggered. But it’s not their problem at all. And it’s really my reaction to my OWN problems.
I thought I was over wanting to be liked. Then I realized after watching the video today, I felt as though I am the type of person he would dislike. You know, that might be true. It doesn’t dictate my worth as a person or my intentions. It doesn’t mean I need to back down. I do not have to be liked by the people I admire.
At this time I can see it from that perspective but I went ahead and deleted something I had shared with their facebook group because I felt like it wasn’t wanted. That it was judged as only “bragging” or something. I questioned my own intent with which I posted it. Now, I realize I shared it because I was trying to convey how important imagination was to healing but it may have looked like bragging. In my triggered state, I deleted it – afraid to be misunderstood again.
This state of being triggered immediately manifests the crap coping mechanisms and it shows me how far I STILL have to go. Even though it has been YEARS of healing.
I am working that atrophied muscle – the part of my brain that was not nurtured for so long, that craves recognition. There is a way to be me, without begging or giving up who I am to be liked. Without deleting my freaking posts in my triggered state.
I cannot lie, I feel pretty crappy because I am facing a hard truth.
K. R. C.